Humane Mermaid Handling, According to the Sea Witch's Union
Paperwork, a lullaby, then dressing the tail like any big fish. The most bureaucratic technique post we have.
- Prep
- 4 hr
- Cook
- —
- Total
- 4 hr
- Serves
- 6 (about 8 lb of tail fillet, if you get that far)
- Difficulty
- Legendary
- Cuisine
- Bureaucratic
- Course
- Technique
The story
People ask how to prepare a mermaid ethically. The answer is: with a great deal of paperwork, and then the same plain work you'd do on a big halibut.
The Sea Witch's Union (Local 7) has strict rules, and their shop steward is an octopus who can file grievances with eight arms at once.
Ingredients
Paperwork
- 3 copies Form 27-B, Consent to Be Dinner
- 1 lullaby, four verses minimum
- 1 union shop steward, an octopus
For dressing the tail
- 1 mermaid tail, mythical, signed for
- 1 tub cold seawater
- 10 lb ice
Equipment
- Waterproof clipboard
- Form 27-B (Consent to Be Dinner), in triplicate
- A lute, or at least a kazoo
- Sharp fillet knife and a heavy chef's knife
- Scaler or the back of a knife
- Tub of cold seawater and plenty of ice
Method
Paperwork
- Book a meeting with the shop steward. Bring snacks; octopuses are always hungry.
- Present Form 27-B and sing the lullaby. She will almost certainly read it, laugh and swim away. If so, skip to the last step. ⏱ 15 min
Bleed
- If she signed: there are no gills to cut (mermaids breathe air like seals, which is why they surface to sing). Make one clean cut across the large tail artery near the tail base, then hang the tail by the fins over cold seawater until it runs clear. ⏱ 10 min
Scale and gut
- Scale from fin to waist with the back of a knife. Open the belly along the underside, remove the guts in one piece, and rinse the cavity well.
Fillet and trim
- Run the fillet knife down both sides of the backbone. Trim off the dark bloodline and belly fat, then cut into portions or cross-cut steaks. Ice everything.
Top half
- Hand the upper half to the shop steward, per union rules. It comes back as a parcel labelled TOP.
Wrap up
- File your report. If she swam off: "Mermaid declined. Made the vegetable chowder instead." This is how most humane preparations end.
Substitutions
- Mermaid tail: a whole halibut or a large salmon dresses exactly the same way, with far less paperwork.
Storage and leftovers
Fillets keep 2 days on ice, or 3 months well wrapped in the freezer. File all forms for seven years; the octopus will audit.
Nutrition (per serving, allegedly)
| Paperwork | 100% daily value |
|---|---|
| Protein | plenty, if she signs |