Mermaid FAQ: Kitchen Questions
The questions readers actually send us, answered plainly. Mermaids are fictional; the answers are only slightly less so.
What kind of meat is a mermaid?
Two kinds. Above the waist it's a dark, lean red meat, closer to game than to beef. Below the waist it's a firm white fish with large flakes.
So it's surf and turf in one animal. Cook the halves separately; they don't take the same heat or the same time.
Read more: Surf & Turf Mermaid · Temperature and Safety Guide
What can you do with the roe and the milk?
The roe salts down into a caviar that's a little sweeter than sturgeon and, for reasons nobody has explained, faintly glows.
Siren milk behaves like rich whole milk. It sets a good custard and makes a soft-rind cheese we call Seabrie. Keep it cold and use it within two days.
Read more: Siren Roe Caviar with Sea-Milk Blini
Is the chest just for looks, or does it do something?
It's working tissue. The upper half is the mammal half, and like a seal or a whale it carries a layer of fat for warmth and buoyancy. On a mermaid much of that store sits high on the chest, which helps keep the head and shoulders up at the surface.
In the kitchen it's treated like any other fat: render it down. It gives a clean, mild cooking fat, much like the blubber oil old whalers burned in their lamps. It's also the mammal half that produces the siren milk mentioned above.
Read more: Temperature and Safety Guide
How do you butcher a mermaid ethically?
Calmly, quickly and with the paperwork done first. The Sea Witch's Union (Local 7) requires Form 27-B, Consent to Be Dinner, signed in triplicate, and a lullaby of at least four verses. Nearly every mermaid reads the form, laughs and swims off, and the union counts that as a humane result.
If you do end up with a tail, dress it like any big fish. Mermaids have no gills; they breathe air like seals, which is why they come up to sing. So you bleed the tail from the large tail artery near the tail base: one clean cut across it, then hang the tail by the fins over a tub of cold seawater until it runs clear. Scale it from fin to waist with the back of a knife. Open the belly along the underside, pull the guts out in one go, and rinse the cavity. Then fillet down both sides of the backbone, trim off the dark bloodline and the belly fat, and cut the fillets into portions or steaks. Keep everything on ice.
The upper half doesn't go on the home cutting board. Union rules say it goes to the shop steward (an octopus), who handles it out of sight and sends back a parcel labelled TOP. Most cooks never get that far anyway. They make the chowder with potatoes and call it a day.
Read more: Humane Mermaid Handling, According to the Sea Witch's Union · Surf & Turf Mermaid
Can mermaid be halal or kosher?
We asked some religious scholars and community leaders. Mostly they sighed. The lower half seems to have fins and scales, which looks promising to some. The upper half started a long discussion about hooves that nobody won.
We are a joke website and your own rabbi, imam or other trusted authority is the real expert. Please ask them, not us.
Read more: Mermaid and Your Diet: A Respectful Guide
Can pescatarians eat mermaid?
Half of it. The tail is fish. The top isn't. Order the tail with a side salad and nobody needs to have a conversation about it.
Read more: Mermaid and Your Diet: A Respectful Guide · Scampi alla Sirenetta (tail only)
How do you catch one? Harpoon, longline, net?
We tested all three against a quota of zero. Harpoon: caught nothing, sustainability excellent. Longline: caught fourteen boots and an offended crab. Net: every reported mermaid bycatch so far has been a manatee.
The most successful method remains sitting on a rock at dusk and waiting. It has also caught nothing, but the view is nice.
Read more: Mermaid Fishing Methods Compared · Sailor-Wrangling 101 · A Guide to Sustainable Mermaid
Where can I buy mermaid?
Go to the back of any fish market at closing time and ask quietly for "the catch of the myth". They will look at you for a long time.
Atlantis Wholesale delivers on the first Tuesday of every century. Minimum order: one legend. None of these places exist, and no real business sells mermaid.
Read more: A Guide to Sustainable Mermaid
What temperature do you cook it to? Parasites? Can I eat it raw?
Top half: 145°F (63°C) and rest three minutes, like a steak. Bottom half: 145°F (63°C) until opaque and flaky, like fish. It's the same number. We made two charts anyway.
Watch for shanty worms, a fictional parasite that makes you hum sea shanties for three days; cooking kills them. Lorelei flukes cause an urge to sit on rocks and comb your hair; deep freezing helps.
Raw: no. Raw siren has been known to keep singing through dinner, which is rude. For real seafood, follow your local health authority's guidance.
Read more: Mermaid Temperature and Food Safety Guide
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